Cindy Cathcart is a poor orphan girl who's been given a special scholarship to the prestigious Von Pupsin academy in Switzerland. She makes fast friends with some of the girls, including a radical social feminist. But others in the school are less tolerant/accepting, and want Cindy gone. From two bitchy snobs, to the conniving deputy Fraulein Stinkenschmidt. A lot to be thrown at a young lady, but these girls know just how to dish it back too...
The Princess Academy is your typical 80s sex comedy, but with a few unique sides. For a start, it's got a female slant, and behind the camera too! Coming to us from writing-and-producing team Sandra and Fred Weintraub (and director Bruce A. Block).
Before watching this I checked out the reviews online, and some got pretty scathing! Most of them are fair and apt in their criticism, but some call it an irredeemably bad, and one of the worst films ever made, etc. Which I've gotta say is an exaggeration! None of this is to say I loved Princess Academy, or it's some/an undiscovered classic. But it's hardly the worst of anything.
The film begins with a simple animated intro, which is a pretty fun prologue. I don't think the writer knew what a reform school actually is, but I don't think it's meant to be taken literally. Just a laugh. Things kick off fairly quickly, if confusingly with all these characters, and we get the gist.
Princess Academy seems American at first glance, but the cheaper budget, snowy mountain setting, and more European sensibilities give it away as Canadian. Actually though this is a co-production between the US and France, filmed in Yugoslavia!
What's noticeable very quickly is that this is a weird movie. The people talk and act unnaturally, like an alien directing a film. At times it's like it's set in a heightened reality, with this crazy school openly teaching girls to be vapid money-hungry trophy wives (and to expect your husbands to pick up young mistresses the second you hit 30), The plot almost verges on porno-level at times.
The story is thin, and mainly an excuse for comedy. It keeps things moving competently enough, and has all the cliches you'd expect. The sweet virginal heroine, the bullies, the ball-busting second-in-command who somehow wields more power than the actual principal, the heroine expelled only a day before graduation, no less!
The comedy here is mixed. The first thing you'll notice are the limp names. Goofy names are an art. Do them right and they're gold! Do them wrong and they stick out like a sore thumb. This veers more towards the latter, but they're not used a lot. Some gags aren't very funny, some painful, and others work better. There's one scene where tampons are laced with itching powder! Ouch. Then there's a moment involving horse manure, which is gross, but the victim does have it coming! Another scene has a guy and girl reciting all their fashion labels as they undress. It's funny in theory, though isn't handled the best (and in a gaffe we see the guy still clothed in a close-up after they undressed!).
The dialogue is at times cringy, but occasionally funny! Like the audacious "I've never eaten in a 4 star restaurant"-"I've never been eaten in a 4 star restaurant."
The film's sexual side is prominent, but more a background element, if that makes sense. The most open instance has some sexy and funny oral shenanigans. Don't ask me why but oral sex has a reputation in some male circles/media as being bad, so it's always good seeing things that show the opposite (who the fuck would complain about that, honestly?!).
Princess Academy feels made with a female gaze in mind. The film has a complete lack of nudity, which is a shame, but it also never promises it, and is sexy enough, so it's not a huge deal. It's also quite a sex positive affair. The film also never makes an attempt to sex up its heroine, since it wouldn't really fit her character. But she doesn't mind being around others who do, and this is never made a deal of.
The characters here aren't that bad, but also a major weak link. The film doesn't establish them as much as I'd like, most aren't characterised very well, and even the ones who get proper intros don't appear a lot. I had trouble telling who was who, Still, they're not unlikeable. In fact I liked their comraderie. They instantly like Cindy and go out of their way to help her. Only the two snobby bitches are antagonistic. Cindy herself is a nice enough lead. Endearingly innocent despite her background, and not too boring.
We get some boys in the film during an inter-school sports day, which turns from a meet market into a snowball fight. These lads can be cringy and dopey, but none are bad. Sameer makes for good Arab representation in that he's just a random normal dude who happens to be Arab. There's also a rich love interest for Cindy, who's obliviously in love with her despite her being a 'commoner', but is frequently misled by the bitches.
The school's headmistress, Countess Von Pupsin, is ok, friendly and understanding to the girls, which you'd think would be enough to solve all problems since she is the boss. Deputy Fraulein Stinkenschmidt is like the real power, and has very strict ideas of how young ladies should act. Which conveniently exclude much of the current student body. Then there's the flamboyant porter Drago who's gay and friendly enough for the girls to be comfortable naked around. He's a helpful guy to the girls, yet is also totally in on the Fraulein's scheme, which is a bit contradictory.
We get a few small setpieces throughout the film. The biggest comes when the boys and girls play matchmaker to a bashful pair. One kid's trying to hang himself 'cause he thinks the girl couldn't possibly be interested, but when the others ask her if she is, she re-enacts the ending to Ulysses! The girls immediately set about teaching her all about faking orgasms. After which she asks "What if I really have one" (good point!). This scene is kinda sweet in a pervy way, with how everyone helps Collette with her first time (although it's weird the two are going straight to sex without ever having spoken).
The sex scene itself is bloody weird, with the two almost braying like animals! I guess they're either so excited they can't control their voices, or making a ruckus so everyone thinks something's happening, but it's bizarre!! This leads to a brothel setpiece, where Cindy is briefly kidnapped by a semi-racist Arab stereotype, leading to a Scooby Doo style chase.
This has consequences for the final act, when Cindy is unjustly expelled. We see her slowly walking out, thinking wistfully on her time at this academe...which we really haven't seen much of! It's not long before we get a triumphant return, and a sweet moment.
The girls come up with a good plan, and in a kinda hilarious twist, the villain is so crooked that when the heroes put her on tape for blackmail, she ends up incriminating herself in an entirely different way! Some people just can't help themselves when they think they're alone. I did question if the film knew how aphrodisiacs worked, but it ends up making sense, since these two really feel that way, and just needed a push. This also leads to the ultimate backhanded compliment "I thought you liked men!"-"Close enough!".
Complications soon emerge, which necessitate some tank-based action! This is a ridiculous but enjoyable battle sequence, and provides a good climax. After which the girls have gotta zip back to school just in time for graduation! Can't let blowing up a few buildings get in the way of your education!
Here we get a short but fun comeuppance for the villains. The ending sees a reunion between Cindy and her paramour, who's apologetic, for the wrong reasons at first. But he gets there, and Cindy has fun with him!
Overall, I think Princess Academy would've fared better as a TV or book series. Not saying a film covering a school year is impossible, but sometimes when you've got so many characters, and so much time to cover, it's better to do so gradually, in small bursts.
Princess Academy is a visually decent film, with some nice direction, if a bit simple at times, and decent locations. Where it falters is in two areas. First, it just has a...gauzy look? I don't know if this is the movie's fault, or home releases to blame, but it looks like vaseline was smeared over the camera. The other issue is the boom mic. I don't easily spot goofs, but I noticed it in shot at least 3 times! One instance didn't even have any dialogue. Maybe this is just an aspect ratio mishap, not the movie's fault, who knows.
The acting here is mixed. Some is ok, some is cheesy on purpose, and others are just plain bad. Playing Cindy is future Friday the 13th alumni Lar Park Lincoln, in her first feature role. While she sometimes disappears among the crowded cast, she does a decent job, and has a cute gasp! The various girls here are spunky and pretty, and generally perform well (some bad accents notwithstanding). The only issue is a lot of them blend together. The boys fare less better, though look the part.
Eva Gabor isn't as annoying here as I was afraid she'd be. She doesn't actually appear a lot. Still, Yugoslavia's pretty close to her homeland, so maybe she was happy, or even got an easy vacation back to Hungary! Lu Leonard does almost too good a job at the Frau, delivering much camp villainy. Richard Paul gives a fun performance as the camp gay porter. It's not amazing or anything, but for someone who was usually a standard character actor, this is a nice deviation!
The score here is a mixed bag. The opening theme is a surprisingly soft and subtle synth piece, with an almost music-box quality, and well-timed guitar strings. Throughout the film is some ok licensed music, with one weird semi-spoken track. The music drowns out the dialogue sometimes. Closing the film out is the Gold Card Rap, with at the time I thought was tolerable, but the fact it was stuck in my head for the next 20 minutes speaks to its staying power. Sid Caesar is also on backing vocals!
Princess Academy is almost completely unremarkable and you probably shouldn't go out of your way to see it. However, it does enough little things right to at least earn it some respect!
