Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990)

Hi readers, and what a fine April the 1st this is! I've chosen this day to review Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the live-action movie!

Unfortunately, while I have seen most of the 2003 TMNT series, I haven't seen any of the original series, and neither have I seen the three movies (or two movies, rather, for those who like to believe TMNT III doesn't exist), until now! So without further ado, here's my review for 1990's live-action TMNT movie!...


Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles opens with an embarrassingly catchy theme, then cuts to the city of Argentina, where a group of dominatrixes are pleasuring a member of the Foot Clan.

...What, don't you remember this part?...

I'm surprised no-one remembers this part, since it goes on for nearly ten minutes! Damn movie!

Then the film cuts to the four Turtles, Leonardo, Donatello, Michaelangelo, and Rapheal who roam around the city.

After peeping on people having sex for a few minutes (why does a kid's film have this much hardcore porn footage? I don't recall reading about this before), the Turtles get involved in a fight with the Foot Clan.

Then the group meet up with April O'Neil, who...is running a prostitution ring? Whoah! I knew the original TMNT comics were mature, but I didn't know the movie followed suit!

The rest of the movie is more sex scenes, until April is kidnapped...

And evenually, the film ends with the Turtles, having beaten their foes, eatin' pizza and saying their famous catchphrase-"Conchadunga!"...

...Umm, have...have I got the right Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie?...

Happy April Fool's!...