Friday, March 28, 2014

Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure (1989)

My most excellent friends, let me tell you about the radical journey of Ted Theodore Logan and Bill S. Preston Esq., two most triumphant dudes!

Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure is one of the most fondly remembered films of the 80's. It's a comedy about two slackers with aspirations of greatness in their band Wild Stallions (spelt with a lot more radical Y's in the movie). Unfortunately the two are flunking history, and if they fail their final test, they'll be expelled, and Ted will be shipped off to military school by his asshole father. Rufus, a mysterious guy from the future, comes to the town of San Dimas to help Bill and Ted with their report, temporarily giving them a phone booth time machine which they can use to travel the network of history until they find the answers for their test...

This is perfection! The kind of movie you want to see a million sequels to! Unfortunately they did make a sequel, which was most bogus!...Ok, most people just think of it as pretty 'meh', rather than truly awful, but still. There also may or may not be a third movie* on the way in the possible future.

*A Third Bill and Ted movie? But they're middle-aged now! How could we see a fifty year old Bill and Ted and take it seriously? As for the lack of Rufus due to George Carlin's death back in 2008, most people say you can't make a Bill and Ted movie without him, but Bill and Ted 3 wouldn't suffer too much from the loss, given he's only in the first film for less than five minutes.

*Oh, and sorry for the most egregious lack of images. I saw this on TV, and don't own a physical copy, so I can't take screenshots. Most un-radical.

This movie is hilarious! Enough said!

Ok, I'll say more. The humour is consistently funny, Bill and Ted are great characters (I especially love their laidback attitude when in the various time periods), the whole finale is great, and by the time the movie's over, you'll have a smile plastered on your face!

Practically every scene is golden, from Bill having the hots for his stepmom, to the duo meeting their future selves, a switch-flip wild western saloon fight, and historical figures like Genghis Khan, Abraham Lincoln, Dr. 'Frood', So-crates, Billy the Kid, etc. enjoying themselves in various different ways in a mall, but my favourite is the 'In Time' one. If you've seen the movie, you know what I mean!

Alex Winter and Keanu Reeves do great jobs as the title duo! They're hilarious, get great lines, have great characters, and Keanu Reeves can actually act here! (Not to knock on Keanu too much)   George Carlin is mildly funny as Rufus. I say 'mildly' as he's barely in the movie.

The actors playing the historical figures do their jobs well, their acting is good, and in the case of Go-Go's musician Jane Wiedlin, who play Joan of Arc, she's a cute babe! And speaking of Joan of Arc, I like to think that in this universe, she lived happily ever after in the present or future, or went back to her own time and kicked some ass, avoiding her horrible death. And as for Beethoven seemingly being able to hear in this movie, I don't mind. Why? Because he's Beethoven! The man was deaf, yet still composed some of the geatest symphonies known to man. I can buy that he heard the bodacious tunes of an electric keyboard.

The effects are cheesy, but good. And the movie's soundtrack is most excellent! WYLD! STALLYNS!

I leave you with the most excellent recommendation of this outstanding movie! Don't make the egregious mistake of missing out. Later, dudes and dudettes! Party on!...

Saturday, March 22, 2014

The Revenant (2009)

Ugh, I've been looking forward to seeing 2009 zombedy The Revenant since I read a highly positive review a couple years back, and I finally watched it last night, and I was sorely disappointed!

I was so pissed off that I originally wasn't going to mention this film here, and just I'd just forget it over time, but no. There are too many glowing reviews on IMDb that talk about how this is an 'undiscovered classic', 'Deserves more credit than it gets', 'Is one of the best horror comedies of all time', and 'Forget Shaun of the Dead!'. Yeah, everyone has different opinions, but when I see so many glowing reviews for something I hate, and they say stuff like that, then I really have no other option than to speak up!

I really liked The Revenant for first half-hour, but the plot started to piss me off badly! The plot really is the main thing that tanked this movie for me. The acting's all good, the effects are good, but the terrible writing just kills it. There are stupid character decisions, bullshit moments, missed opportunities, and the whole thing just made me angry! Really frustrated!

Another big problem is the amount of swearing here. I swear, and there's nothing wrong with that of course, but this film goes WAAAY overboard! Almost every single line has the word 'fuck' in it at least once, and it got annoying only twenty minutes in! Imagine having to deal with the rest of the damn film!

The comedy was fine enough for the first quarter, but steadily declined. And as a comedy-horror, the two genres never really mesh. Films like Braindead, Shaun of the Dead, and Evil Dead II are all much better examples of the genre. You could do better with My Boyfriend's Back than The Revenant!

By the way, as an aside, there are so many people online (and on the DVD cover) claiming that The Revenant is 'Destined to become a cult classic!'. Go and research what a cult classic actually is, you goddamn idiots!

And that's all I have to say about this film. Not a whole lot, but enough to get the point across, I hope. It's so bad that you'd do good to rewatch Night of the Living Dead after just having read about this film, so you can see a real zombie film. Hell, a Jerry Warren zombie film is a better candidate than The Revenant! Avoid!

Friday, March 7, 2014

Not This Time Nayland Smith's Third Year Anniversary

Woohoo! It's my third year anniversary of blogging! Wooooo!

...Yeah, that's all I'm going to say this time. It's been 50 degrees Celsius here for the last few days (which proves that God exists and he hates us all...Either that, or it's Ming the Merciless), and I can't be bothered doing much of anything. I now successfully own a copy of Dr Mabuse: The Gambler, but am I watching it? Nope, I'm waiting for cooler weather.

Actually, I have one more thing to say. I WILL have a banner for my blog done up before the year is out, and I can assure you that among other things, it will contain Fu Manchu, Brandon Lee, and Pierre Kirby!

Saturday, March 1, 2014

The Refrigerator (1991) [The Deadly Doll's House of Horror Nonsense's The Shortening]

There have been many household items that have gotten hungry for human blood over the years, from Death Bed: The Bed That Eats, The Mangler (clothes dryer), a film about a blender massacre that may or may not exist, The Lift (Tagline-"The stairs! The Stairs! For God's sake, take the stairs!"), etc., and in the case of 1991 film The Refrigerator, it's exactly what it says on the tin!

Steven has just quit his job, and he and his wife Eileen are leaving for their new apartment, which is oddly cheap at only $200 dollars a month. They soon come to realize, however, the terrifying reason they got the flat so cheap...THE FRIDGE!...

The Refrigerator is mostly horror, but it doesn't take itself too seriously. It knows what it is.    Annoyingly, there's no shortage of people on the internet who don't get the joke, who say things like 'This film is unintentionally funny with its badness', as if the film about the demonic refrigerator took itself dead serious. It's meant to be somewhat goofy.

Fortunately and unfortunately, this movie is the kind of horror where as I explain in my Dangerous Game review, I like the characters enough that I'd want to see a TV show about them, or something (I'm more leaning on the something side when it comes to these characters). Fortunately, because that means the writing is good and the characters aren't like Tina in Halloween V, and unfortunately, because, well, it is a horror movie. But hey, I'm no softie-bring on the carnage!

And carnage there is, from a guy getting his leg chomped off by a garbage can, or torn up by a hostile cuisinart, to the titular refrigerative menace.

If you're wearing a hat like that, quite frankly, you deserve to get eaten by a fridge...

The film is a little slow-moving, but it's never boring, thankfully. I do kinda wish that deaths could have been more evenly spread out, as aside from the kill in the opening, there's not another death until over forty minutes into the film. But at least the movie is using said time to develop its characters and tell its story, so I won't be too harsh. One part I definitely felt was too short was the fun montage with an original song singing about the film's characters!

The characters are fun and likeable. Eileen is relatable with her character storyline (and the scene with her and her mother near the end is very good!), and Juan the plumber/super is likeable and fun, portrayed very well by Angel Caban.

There's not much gore, but what there is is more than serviceable.

By the way, I would write a Dirk Gently joke about now, but I'm really not sure how many of my readers have read The Long Dark Tea-time of the Soul, so I'll stay my hand at making obscure jokes for now.

Also by the way, The Refrigerator contains the best line in any horror-comedy!-"I am the wafflemaker!" It has to be seen to be believed!...

The film has very good scoring, which surprisingly manages to build an air of creepiness for a movie about a killer fridge! If you took out the goofy idea, tightened up the pace, you'd have a damn fine regular horror movie!...Not that I'm saying that should have happened. It'd be no good to deprive the movie of its charm. One problem though is that I wish there was some backstory for the killer gateway-to-hell fridge.

There is one stupid thing that happened at the end of the though...


When the crazy possessed Steven is carrying Eileen to the refrigerator, she grabs ahold of a knife, and instead of just cutting his arm or something, she stabs him in the back and kills him! Honey, don't act so shocked and distraught that he's dead, you're the one who friggin' killed him!

Also, there's no ending to the climax. Appliances go haywire, the fridge eats psychic lady (Why didn't you run, bitch?!), Eileen and Juan get out, then they smile with relief as they're out...But uh, what about the fridge?! You didn't do anything, you just left as psychic lady died, and called it a day!


I recommend The Refrigerator. It's a fun little flick, and it's well worth a watch! Just remember to keep an eye out for your fridge. It's watching you. It's always watching you...

This post is for The Shortening, a blogathon set up by Emily of  The Deadly Dolls House of Horror Nonsense.